Only A Memory
by MakoHeadrush
Summary: Cloud is forced to do some self-inventory and assessment, and grudgingly admits to something he's been denying for far too long. Post-AC, warnings for character death and some language.


The sun was setting over the bluffs that bordered the city limits of Edge as a lone motorcycle rumbled over the dusty ground. The rider was alone, hunched over the handlebars as he commandeered the massive machine toward its destination.

He rode past the makeshift memorial to Zack Fair - the buster sword stuck haphazardly in the ground, now brought back to its original shine and luster by some caring souls who had taken the time to tend to it properly. Cloud's neglect of the sword had led to tarnish and rust on Angeal's most prized possession, and the hero was glad to see it properly restored.

So many things he'd neglected in his life, since that day. Since Meteorfall, since killing Sephiroth - only to have to kill him again.

It was here, just beyond the barren wasteland of the bluffs, that Cloud felt his presence most strongly. He was still there, on the edges of Cloud's mind, in that space between life and afterlife.

_I will never be a memory._

"But that's all I have _left_," Cloud grumbled, pulling the bike to a halt in the spot where it all began. Several hundred yards past the spot where Zack breathed his last, here was where the journey began. Where Sephiroth took notice of the young cadet who just wouldn't give up.

"I thought you were laughing at me then. Just like everyone else back in Nibelheim laughed at me for being the smallest."

_I wasn't laughing __**at **__you, Cloud. Your determination, your stubbornness...it made me smile._

"You didn't even try to help me." He stood now, leaning his back up against the motorcycle. "I had custom sweepers coming at me left and right, attacking - "

_And you defeated them all, without my assistance._

"...yeah. I guess so." Cloud sighed, pocketing his sunglasses and rubbing his eyes wearily as he pulled at his bangs. "Sephiroth...why do you keep doing this to me?" The question was angry, Cloud's tone laced with weary rage.

_Doing what? Returning to you? As I told you, Cloud...I will never be a memory._

"Well, you're kind of going about this all wrong," Cloud snapped. "If you ever cared for me at all, maybe you'd, I don't know, stop trying to _kill_ me and destroy everyone and everything I ever loved?"

_Am I included in that category, Cloud? After everything that's been said and done?_

"What category...?" The question was redundant and coy; Cloud knew damned well what Sephiroth meant, he was merely stalling, wanting to avoid the topic altogether. Yet it was there; it was _always_ there.

_There was a time when you cared for me, Cloud...and I felt the same. I did this all for __**you**__, you know. For us._

"Did what? Destroyed my hometown, killed my mother?" Cloud was shouting now. "Don't give me that load of bullshit. You didn't do _any_ of that out of love for me. Then you tried to _kill_ me and destroy the planet. You have a really fucked-up way of expressing your devotion to someone."

_They hurt you, in Nibelheim. They hurt me, as well. And Jenova_ - Cloud heard a light chuckle, and felt a gentle breeze at the same time he heard Sephiroth laugh._ Well. I know now that Gast was mistaken. I know now, that Lucrecia was my mother. Not...Jenova._

"Well, they say hindsight is 20/20," Cloud retorted. "Would it have even mattered, if you had known? Or would you have burned everything down anyway? Yeah...you're right about one thing. They did hurt me, back home. All those kids who picked on me. _But you didn't have to kill my mother_!"

_I am sorry, Cloud. She was...collateral damage. _

"Fuck you," Cloud snapped. "Fuck you and your collateral damage. I suppose destroying the Planet was going to be collateral damage too?" He felt himself shaking, and his throat was raw and hurting from shouting into the wind.

"I looked up to you." Cloud's voice now dropped to a whisper. "You were my hero...I wanted to be like you. I love - " He choked back a sob, shaking his head. "No. No, I was stupid. You tricked me!"

_You were going to say you loved me, weren't you?_

"No." It was a lie, Cloud knew it, and Sephiroth knew it. "Never. I never loved you."

_You're lying, Cloud. I know what you felt, for I felt it too._

"You never said anything."

_I am not a man of words, Cloud...I am a man of action. Do you not remember that first time? When we gave ourselves to each other in the darkness? Such a hunger you awakened in me..._

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." Cloud felt his face grow heated with shame. Gods...if his friends ever _knew_ what had really transpired between he and Sephiroth, they'd probably never speak to him again. A clandestine affair that even Cloud himself had forgotten for a time, when he'd reinvented himself as an amalgamation of Zack Fair and elements of his own psyche. It was only after a trip through the Lifestream that Cloud's memories were restored to him, fresh with the horror of realizing the man he'd given himself to was responsible for such atrocities.

_How could I love anyone like that?_ Cloud asked himself time and time again. _How could he do that to me?_

_You know the truth, Cloud. You know what it was that we shared...that we still share._

"No," Cloud barked. "Not anymore. When you destroyed Nibelheim, you destroyed _us_."

_Our bond goes deeper than that. It is undeniable. I will always be in your life, and you in mine._

"Gods, what do I have to do to get rid of you! Haven't you hurt me enough already?" Cloud shouted, kicking a booted foot angrily against Fenrir.

_Have you ever given any thought to my hurt, to my pain? Have you?_ Even though the words were uttered by a noncorporeal being, and only in Cloud's mind, they cut him to the core just as readily as if they'd been spoken aloud.

"...I have," Cloud said quietly. "But maybe not often enough. Sephiroth...I know what happened. I know the truth now. And I can't imagine what you went through, what that did to you, inside. But it killed me to watch you go through it. I wanted to help you, I did - " Cloud's voice dropped again to a low whisper.

"Maybe I'm the one who failed in all of this. I couldn't save Zack or Aerith, and I couldn't save you from yourself."

_Let's not start that again, hmm? Self-deprecation seems to be a habit you fall all too easily into. Nobody blames you for any of this. You are the Planet's Hero._

"But I wanted to be _your_ hero, Seph. I wanted to be your salvation. Instead...I destroyed you."

_I forced your hand. It had to be this way, Cloud._ _I do regret hurting you. I was not...myself, for some time. Ha ha ha ha ha. But I do not regret the time we shared together, as you seem to._

"I - it..." Cloud stammered uncomfortably. "There were some good times," he finally admitted. "But I can't remember that without remembering the rest. All the deaths you caused, all the destruction. I lost my mind - "

I lost mine as well, as you may remember. I am not that man any longer.

"Am I supposed to believe you've had some sort of epiphany since I booted your ass back into the Lifestream?" Cloud snapped, flinching at the harshness of his words; he was surprised to hear and feel Sephiroth chuckling again.

_That's a colorful way to put it, I suppose. But yes, Cloud. This time, it is different. Jenova no longer exerts her influence over me. I am whole again._

"But you're dead," Cloud said bitterly. "You're still _dead_. And I'm still here."

_We will be reunited again someday, Cloud. I think you know this. Perhaps not in the way you would like, but we will be reunited._

"So now what am I supposed to do, huh Sephiroth? Just go back about my day like I didn't just have this conversation with my dead lover?" Cloud was exhausted beyond reason, and he was torn between wanting this encounter to end, but there was some small part of him that didn't want to let go.

_I've always loved your sarcasm, Cloud. What I want you to do...is to remember me not as the monster you believe me to be...but as a man. As a man who once held you close to his heart and cherished you...and still does._

Cloud swallowed hard, shaking his head. "I don't believe this. I kill you twice, and now you're confessing your feelings for me? It's a bit late for that."

_I never said it out loud, no. I preferred to show you. You do remember __**that**__, don't you?_ Cloud swore he could see Sephiroth smirking, although he hadn't materialized save for his voice.

Cloud blushed and shifted uncomfortably. "I - I do remember." His mind flashed to their first time together; Sephiroth the older, self-assured one who was more experienced; Cloud, nervous yet eager to please his lover, and to be pleasured in return. And how attentive Sephiroth had been, taking his time with Cloud, wanting to savor every nuance of their lovemaking, wanting to make Cloud cry out for more.

And oh, how Cloud had cried out for more. He felt a reluctant smile cross his face as he remembered. "We were good together," Cloud finally admitted. "For a while," he amended.

_I must go now, Cloud...I am sorry. And you must go as well, they're waiting for you._

"They? Who? Who's waiting for me? Seph - don't go." Then, the pain seized him; unbearable pain, like a fist to the chest, fingers wrapping around his heart, crushing it.

_No...not like this,_ Cloud thought. _I still have...deliveries to make._ He fell to the ground, a scream of pain dying on his lips as his field of vision was flooded with a white light.

Then, he heard the voices, familiar voices, rising up around him. They comforted and soothed him, and Cloud was sure this had to be a dream.

"_You think he's ready, Aer_?"

"_I think so. His body has been through a lot...it finally caught up to him_."

"_Then let's welcome him home. Sephiroth is waiting." _


End file.
